two guys walked into a bar...

youd think the second guy would have seen it coming!

Why did Michael Jackson call Boys to Men (The Group)?

Because he thought it was a delivery service.

Why is Micheal Jackson like a carrier bag?

They're both made of plastic and should be kept away from children!

Bill Clinton and Senator Hillary Clinton were at a Yankees game. Before the game began a secret service man came up to him and whispered in his ear.

Bill Clinton suddenly picked up Hillary and threw her out on the field.

The secret service man came running up to him and said, "Mr. President Sir, I think you misunderstood me; I said throw out the first pitch."

How many dead babies does it take to make a bottle of baby oil?

It depends on how hard you squeeze them.

An Irishman, a Mexican and a blonde guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."

The blond opened his lunch and said,"Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage and jumped to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito and jumped too.

The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. "Hey, don't look at me," she said. "He makes his own lunch."
____________________

Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you?
A: Run like Hell....she's got a hand grenade in her mouth.
____________________

Q: What's the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?
A: About 45 pounds

Q:What's the difference between a husband and a boyfriend?
A: About 45 minutes

what worse than a dead baby in a garbage can?

a dead baby in ten garbage cans.

One day, a Catholic priest met one of his old high-school friends who he hadn't seen since graduation. The priest noticed that his friend had remained a potty mouth, but being a Godly man he decided to go fishing with him. He had never been fishing anyway, so he figured this would be a good learning experience.

On the day of the fishing trip, they went out and the priest caught the biggest walleye you could imagine. It had to weight 20 pounds. His friend exclaimed to him, "Damn, that's a big son-of-a-bitch!"

The priest was taken aback. "I'm a Godly man, you shouldn't speak to me that way."

His friend, feeling like a sack of ass, tried to lie his way out of it, explaining "no, man, that's what that's called. A son-of-a-bitch!" The priest, not knowing anything about fish, accepted this explanation.

As it turned out, the Pope was visiting the church that day, and the priest could think of no better dinner for the Pope than something he caught himself. So when he brought his verly large fish to the church to be cleaned, one of the altar boys stopped him on his way to the kitchen and remarked on how big the fish was.

The priest was pretty proud by now, "Yeah, I caught the son-of-a-bitch!"

The altar boy was, astonished, asked the priest, "Is that how you talk to God?"

The priest then explained, "No, that's what it's called, a son-of-a-bitch."

When he got back to the kitchen to give the fish to the cook, she exclaimed, "My what a large walleye! Did you catch it?"

The priest corrected her, "Yeah, I caught it. But you should know, that's not a walleye, that's a son-of-a-bitch."

The cook, confused, thought it was just some fish she had never heard of, and accepted that.

When the Pope finally arrived for dinner, the proud kitchen staff brought out their masterpiece, the big son-of-a-bitch, and laid it on the table.

The Pope, after saying grace, commented on how nice the fish looked and that he couldn't wait to get a piece of it. The priest couldn't take it any more, stood up, and said loudly, "You like that? I caught the son-of-a-bitch!"

The Pope, astonished, said "Oh, dear. I don't believe this."

The altar boy, feeling the need to support his priest, said, "Yeah, I saw him bring the son-of-a-bitch in!"

The cook then said, "I cleaned and cooked the son-of-a-bitch myself! Believe it, he caught it."

The Pope was speechless. After about a minute of silence, he took off his hat, threw it on the table, and said, "You know what? You mother****ers are alright."

what's the similarity between Woody Allen and Kodak film?

They both come in little yellow boxes
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What do you call cheese that is not yours?

Nacho cheese

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?

A: To get to the other side...

Q: whos the opposite of Christopher Reeves?


A: Christopher Walkin

Why's a firetruck red?

If someone pulled your hose, you'd be red too!



Childish I know, but still cute.

If a blonde and a brunette jumped off the CN Tower at the exact same time, who would hit the ground first?



The brunette, cause the blonde would have to stop and ask for directions.






Chris

How do you kill a blind man.

You eat him.

Btw: Yes, you do. Badly.

There is a Catholic priest and a Jewish rabbi on the street corner. A little boy runs by and the priest says to the the rabbi, "Let's screw him." The rabbi responds, "Out of what?"

Baaaaahahahahahahahaahahaha!!

Ca$h?

A blonde is walking around a lake. She looks over to the other side and sees another blond standing on the opposite shore.

She yells across the water "How do I get over there?"

The other blond looks confused and yells back, "You ARE over there!"