This is just random- "Well you'll get tumors in your rectum. From what? From shoving uranium 238 up your ass."

"Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like bananas."

"I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy."

From Naked Gun 33 1/3:

Frank Dreben: "Hey Rocco, who's the broad? Looks like she took one to many to the face."
Rocco: "THAT'S MY MOTHER!!!"

From my sig file:

"Give me ambiguity or give me something else!"

My sister opened a computer store in Hawaii. She sells C shells by the
seashore.

Dyslexic/agnostic/insomniac - n.) One who stays awake all night wondering
if there really is a Dog.

"He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool
you. He really is an idiot."
- Groucho Marx

All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?

How do I set my laser printer on stun?

The best way to make a fire with two sticks is to make sure one of them is
a match.

Optimists see a glass that's half full.
Pessimists see a glass that's half empty.
Engineers see a glass that's twice as big as it needs to be.

Mac OS X vs. Windows XP:
Typical Microsoft...Take something from another company then P on it.

If you want to know more about paranoids follow them around.

(If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses)

Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back.

Puritanism: the haunting fear that somewhere, someone may be happy.

This message transmitted on 100% recycled electrons.

"Mr. Worf, scan that ship." "Aye, Captain... 300 DPI?"

...thump MEOW! thump MEOW! thump MEOW! thump...
"You're right; there isn't enough room to swing a cat in here."

Sure it's user-friendly...if you know what you're doing.

The day Microsoft makes something that doesn't suck is probably the day
they start making vacuum cleaners.

"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."

Justify my text? I'm sorry but it has no excuse.

Also see:

Every single friggin' line in "The Big Lebowski" and most of 'em in "O Brother, Where Art Thou?"

(Damn! We're in a tight spot!)

.

It's all about NewsRadio:

Bill: The eyes are the window to the skull, my friend.
Dave: Soul.
Bill: For those who have one, yes.

Bill: Don't try to confuse me with the facts.

Bill: There comes a time in every friendship when you have to say, "I never liked you - get lost."

Bill: This is a two-part question. 1. What does Lisa look like naked? And 2. What does Lisa feel like naked? This question is for both candidates.

Bill: Have you heard the expression, "When life gives you lemons, make lemonade and then toss it in the face of the person who gave you the lemons until they give you the oranges you asked for in the first place"?

Bill: The fact is, the woman wanted me. And the fact that she couldn't have me made her, quite simply, insane with what the great poets have called ... manimal lust.

Dave: I think you're jumping to conclusions.
Bill: Dave, I stand still; the conclusions jump to me.

"What we are doing is that which is currently doable in the way that we are doing it." - Donald Rumsfeld.

"The problem with New Mexico is that half the people make less than the median income." - Former New Mexico Congressman Manuel Lujan

"We're obviously going to spend a lot in marketing because we think the product sells itself." - Microsoft executive Jim Allchin discussing Windows XP

"Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dreams." - George "the dubya" Bush

"People shouldn't read into venue violations someone's heart." - George "the dubya" Bush

"After a thorough investigation, we are able to determine that the late arrival of your mail was due to a delay in transit." - U.S. Postal Service

"I am not just another cheesecake pot." - Sophia Loren

"I believe what I said yesterday. I don't know what I said, but I know what I think, and I assume it's what I said." - Donald Rumsfeld

"Put the "off" button on." - George "the dubya" Bush

-------------------

That's all for now For anyone who cares, I got most of these from the 2004 version of this.

Some people type so fast that they forget to include

Classic show. Never watched it during it's original run, but saw them all in syndication. Except the ones that didn't star Phil Hartman, though.

Winston Churchill on Clement Atlee: "He is a modest man who has much to be modest about."

I also liked his reply to a pedant who criticised him for his use of grammar: "Ending a sentence with a preposition is something up with which we will not put."

I like APU's...I'll let him tell...

In after gonad�

that, and the ones from "snatch":

Turkish:
We've lost Gorgeous George.

Brick Top Polford:
You're going to have to repeat that.

Turkish:
We've lost Gorgeous George.

Brick Top Polford:
Well, where'd you lose him?! He ain't a set of fu**ing car keys, is he? And, it's not as if he's incon-fu**ing-spicuous, now is it?

"My mother came to a Smahing Pumpkins gig once, and I was wearing a dress. She was very upset. She said, 'Everyones going to think your a fag. ' I said,well they already think I'm an asshole."

It's impossible to make something idiot proof because they keep making better idiots.

My collection

http://jkath.com/pages/quotes.html

Joel Johnson from Gizmodo, about Iomegas new 'Rev' drive:

"This thing will flop like John Holmes on a dune buggy"

We forgot the taste of bread and ate only meat - gollum invented the Atkins Diet.

Seen on /. recently.

When I go somewhere I like to carry a bag in each hand. That way if anyone says 'can you lend me a hand' I say sorry I cant, I got these two bags.

--jack handy

�The best way to end [Saddam's] threat once and for all is with a new Iraqi government�a government ready to live in peace with its neighbors, a government that respects the rights of its people.� Bill Clinton

Thing is, I could theorectically agree with some things Zimph says, I just don't see why they need to be discussed all the frigging time.

Anyway, since he started it:

George W. Bush: "Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream."

Seriously though, every time I read that quote I laugh.

Gah, George isn't the best wordsmith. That one was about retarded. I am hoping this was just a blunder or miswording by him, and nothing something his writers actually wrote.

I already posted that

Oh well, that one is funny enough to deserve a double posting

oh man don't get started on those jack handy quotes. Some of my faves:

.

Once when I was in college I was talking with some friends and I forget exactly what we were talking about, but I made the following statement: "Yeah, Saran Wrap is quiet." One of my friends thought that was really funny. The next day, I passed her room, and found a piece of paper on her door, on which she had written: "Yeah, Saran Wrap is quiet." with my name next to it.

I asked her why she did it, and she said she was going to post on her door a collection of strange/funny comments that people made. Here are a few from that list...

"Yeah, Saran Wrap is quiet."

"Has your plum warmed up yet?"

"You really know how to make a pessimist feel awful."

If I can remember any more, I'll add them above.