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THE ROCKET CITY CITIZEN PUBLISHED DAILY LATEST EDITION AT: www.generalcoffee.com ENO PROMISES INCREASE IN SUPERVILLAINY “Twice the crime in half the time.” ROCKET CITY – Local self-proclaimed evil supergenius Clayton Eno made a public statement yesterday regarding crime in Rocket City and his role in it. In his statement, Mr. Eno said: “I know I’ve been coasting a little on my reputation as a supervillain, and I just want to reassure residents of Rocket City that I’m redoubling my efforts to keep this city in the grip of criminal mayhem. Citizens can look forward to sleepless nights trembling in Photo by Jackie Hobby/Staff Photographer fear in their beds wondering what nefarious taken, the spokesman answered, “Well, num- deeds I have up my crooked sleeve.” ber one we’re going to call Future Boy. So City police were quick to downplay Mr. far we haven’t seen a need for a number Eno’s statement. “We’re well aware of Mr. two.” Eno’s comments, and while we do take them Following his statement Mr. Eno was seriously, we are fully prepared and we are promptly captured by Future Boy during a taking measures,” said a police spokesman. botched armored car heist. (see story, City Sec- When asked about what measures were being tion, page 2) FUTURE BOY KEEPS CITY Rocket City police were overheard com- menting, “Sure, we should probably be telling SAFE FROM EVILDOERS Future Boy to just let us do our job and han- ROCKET CITY – In recent months the city dle the policework. But if he wants to do our has seen a marked decrease in crime thanks to job for us, you’re not going to hear us com- the tireless efforts of Rocket City’s own Fu- plaining.” ture Boy. Since the start of the year Future Future Boy was off fighting further crime Boy has put not only Clayton Eno behind and was unavailable for comment. bars, but also a host of minor-league crooks. Most recently, the ubiquitous superhero IN TODAY’S PAPER Weather: bagged prominent criminals The Bamboozler, City .......................................2 Partly sunny, with Mr. Proletariat, and The Knee. Computers & Technology......3 rain showers, ending Of these other, lesser-known scofflaws, Travel ....................................6 overnight or early Clayton Eno—en route to Shankrock Arts & Leisure ..................12 tomorrow morning. Prison—was quoted as saying, “Wannabes, all Crossword............................13 Classifieds............................14 of ‘em.” …