Joe Retard is sick of using his crappy little CD player to listen to his hillbilly music, and after hearing about Apple's amazing product, the iPod, he decides to check it out. His friend advises him to check out the Apple Store, to which he responds, "No dude, I'm not hungry!" His friend laughs, and exclaims, "No, Retard...Apple is a company." Joe blushes. "Oh..." says Joe.
Joe and his friend walk to the Apple Store. Upon seeing the giant apple, Joe exclaims, "I said I wasn't hungry, you putz!" His friend doesn't respond, and they walk inside. Joe starts masturbating in the corner of the store. "What the hell are you doing, Retard?" says his friend. "I can't help it," says Joe, "this store is technological porn!" Joe pulls up his pants, his friend forces him to wash his hands, and he checks out the 15GB iPod. "Look at this thing!" says Joe. "It's so handy!" Joe then walks up to a G5, and starts exploring Mac OS X. "This version of Windows kicks!" says he. "Retard..." mumbles his friend. Joe explores iTunes, falls in love with the iTunes Music Score, and asks, "Is this available on my version of Windows? I think it's called Windows Sex/Pee..." His friend nods, and Joe starts doing the chicken dance. He picks up the iPod, and purchases it for a reasonable price of $299. He starts masturbating again, but his friend drags him out of the store.
Ten months later, after listening to his iPod every day, Joe stumbles across this amazing deal from Dell. "Dude," Joe says to his friend, "Dell is going to give me a $100 rebate on their Digital Jujube...if I just give up my iPod...sweet!" Joe, as we know, is a Retard. His friend smacks him, and says, "Are you a Retard? You paid $299 for that iPod...that would mean that you'd lose...like...$400!" Joe's friend has some Retard genes, as you may have guessed. "No, silly!" says Joe..."I'd only lose $50!"
Joe gets very excited at the prospect of winning himself a whopping $100, but then starts scratching his head. "Do you have dandruff?" asks his friend. "No," says Joe.
Joe sits and scratches for a few minutes, and then asks, "Wait...dude...what the hell is a Digital Jujube?" His friend starts scratching, as well. "Do you have dandruff?" asks Joe. "No," says his friend.
"Aren't Jujubees those little candies at the movies?" asks Joe. "Oh, yeah...maybe...they might also be fruits or some crap like that," answers his friend. "What the hell is a Digital Jujube, then? Can you program the taste?" asks Joe. "Perhaps," says his friend.
Joe and his friend decide to take a trip to Ralphs, to taste a few of these Digital Jujubees. "Where are the Digital Jujubees?" asks Joe. "We only have regular Jujubees," says the employee in question. "Where are those?" "Aisle 17A." "Okay, thank you!" "You're welcome." Joe and his friend walk over to aisle 17A, and spot the Jujubees. Joe notices that the Jujubees are only 99 cents, which confuses the crap out of him. "Does a rebate ever cover one hundred times an item's cost?" This is the first intelligent thought that has come to Joe's idiotic brain in years. He and his friend walk up to the same employee, and ask, "Do you have any idea what the hell a Dell Jujube is?" "Oh, wait a second...are you guys looking for the Dell Digital Jukebox? It's right across the street at CompUSA!" "Oh," says Joe. "Why did the Dell Digital Jukebox cross the street?" asks Joe. "To get the other side," says the employee.
Our genius, and his idiotic friend, walk over to CompUSA, and they immediately spot the Dell Digital Jukebox. "Hey, dude...this thing looks like my iPod!" says Joe. "It does...except it's uglier," says his friend. "I wonder what the difference is." "Perhaps this thing will fit up my ass." "Maybe, Joe...maybe."
"Hey, what the hell is the difference between this Jujube thing and my iPod?" asks Joe of the clerk. "Well, the Dell has improved battery life...or some crap like that. It is also based on Microsoft software, which, from what I've heard from my friend Bill Gates, is a hell of a lot more reliable than Apple's buggy crap." "Bugs? Where? Ew, I hate bugs! Especially brown ones, because they like poop." "The Dell is also cheaper," says the clerk. "Dude!" says Joe's friend, "the Dell is cheap, but it's even cheaper for you, because if you buy it, and give away your iPod, you get like...$100!" "You're right, dude!" "Hell yes I am!" "Oh, and I'll also get 25 free songs...that's like...$25, man!" "Hell yes!" "Sweet!" "Dude, we're geniuses!" "All I have to do is give away my iPod...this is an amazing deal!" "Do it, bro! Do it!"
Joe gives up his $299 15GB iPod, and pays $99 (after the $100 mail-in rebate) for his 15GB Dell Digital Jukebox. That's a net loss of $398, so that he can enjoy the wonders of Microsoft software, a lack of eye candy, and some extra battery life.
"I seriously am a genius!" exclaims Joe.
An amazing offer, indeed.
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