Thread
The Ultimate Flamefest
Under a forehead roughly comparable to that of Javanese and Piltdown man are visible a pair of tiny pig eyes, lit up alternately by greed and concupiscence.
--S.J. Perelman.
--S.J. Perelman.
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Originally posted by scaught: i have all of you on my faproom wall. |
Courtesy of Everything2.com, but from there it was taken from Usenet somewhere not long after 9/11...
You swine. You vulgar little maggot. You worthless bag of filth. I'll bet you couldn't pour piss out of a boot with instructions on the heel. You are a canker. A sore that won't go away. I would rather kiss a lawyer than be seen with you. You're a putrescent mass, a walking vomit. You are a spineless little worm deserving nothing but the profoundest contempt. You are a jerk, a cad, and a weasel. Your life is a monument to stupidity. You are a stench, a revulsion, and a big suck on a sour lemon. You are a bleating foal, a curdled staggering mutant dwarf smeared richly with the effluvia and offal accompanying your alleged birth into this world. Insensate, blinking calves, meaningful to nobody, abandoned by the puke-drooling, giggling beasts that sired you and then killed themselves in recognition of what they had done.
I will never get over the embarrassment of belonging to the same species as you. You are a monster, an ogre, and a malformity. I barf at the very thought of you. You have all the appeal of a paper cut. Lepers avoid you. You are vile, worthless, less than nothing. You are a weed, a fungus, the dregs of this earth. And did I mention you smell? Try to edit your responses of unnecessary material before attempting to impress us with your insight. The evidence that you are a nincompoop will still be available to readers, but they will be able to access it more rapidly.
You snail-skulled little rabbit. Would that a hawk pick you up, drive its beak into your brain, and upon finding it rancid set you loose to fly briefly before spattering the ocean rocks with the frothy pink shame of your ignoble blood. May you choke on the queasy, convulsing nausea of your own trite, foolish beliefs. You are weary, stale, flat and unprofitable. You are grimy, squalid, nasty and profane. You are foul and disgusting. You're a fool, an ignoramus. Monkeys look down on you. Even sheep won't have sex with you. You are unreservedly pathetic, starved for attention, and lost in a land that reality forgot.
And what meaning do you expect your delusional self-important statements of unknowing, inexperienced opinion to have with us? What fantasy do you hold that you would believe that your tiny-fisted tantrums would have more weight than that of a leprous desert rat, spinning rabidly in a circle, waiting for the bite of the snake?
You are a waste of flesh. You have no rhythm. You are ridiculous and obnoxious. You are the moral equivalent of a leech. You are a living emptiness, a meaningless void. You are sour and senile. You are a disease, you puerile one-handed slack-jawed drooling meatslapper. On a good day you're a half-wit. You remind me of drool. You are deficient in all that lends character. You have the personality of wallpaper. You are dank and filthy. You are asinine and benighted. You are the source of all unpleasantness. You spread misery and sorrow wherever you go.
You smarmy lagerlout git. You bloody woofter sod. Bugger off, pillock. You grotty wanking oik artless base-court apple-john. You clouted boggish foot-licking twit. You dankish clack-dish plonker. You gormless crook-pated tosser. You churlish boil-brained clotpole ponce. You cockered bum-bailey poofter. You craven dewberry pisshead cockup pratting naff. You gob-kissing gleeking flap-mouthed coxcomb. You dread-bolted fobbing beef-witted clapper-clawed flirt-gill. You are a fiend and a coward, and you have bad breath. You are degenerate, noxious and depraved. I feel debased just for knowing you exist. I despise everything about you, and I wish you would go away.
I cannot believe how incredibly stupid you are. I mean rock-hard stupid. Dehydrated-rock-hard stupid. Stupid, so stupid that it goes way beyond the stupid we know into a whole different dimension of stupid. You are Trans-stupid stupid. Meta-stupid. Stupid collapsed on itself so far that even the neutrons have collapsed. Stupid gotten so dense that no intellect can escape. Singularity stupid. Blazing hot mid-day sun on Mercury stupid. You emit more stupid in one second than our entire galaxy emits in a year. Quasar stupid. Your writing has to be a troll. Nothing in our universe can really be this stupid. Perhaps this is some primordial fragment from the original big bang of stupid. Some pure essence of a stupid so uncontaminated by anything else as to be beyond the laws of physics that we know. I'm sorry. I can't go on.
This is an epiphany of stupid for me. After this, you may not hear from me again for a while. I don't have enough strength left to deride your ignorant questions and half-baked comments about unimportant trivia, or any of the rest of this drivel.
The only thing worse than your logic is your manners. I have snipped away all of what you wrote, because, well... it didn't really say anything. Your attempt at constructing a coherent statement was pitiful. I mean, really, stringing together a patch of paranoia among a load of babbling was hardly effective... Maybe later in life, after you have learned to read, write, spell, and count, you will have more success. True, these are rudimentary skills that many of us "normal" people take for granted that everyone has an easy time of mastering. But we sometime forget that there are "challenged" persons in this world who find these things more difficult. If I had known that this was your case then I would have never read your post. It just wouldn't have been "right". Sort of like parking in a handicap space. I wish you the best of luck in the emotional and social struggles that seem to be placing such a demand on you.
Hope this finds you in good health.
You swine. You vulgar little maggot. You worthless bag of filth. I'll bet you couldn't pour piss out of a boot with instructions on the heel. You are a canker. A sore that won't go away. I would rather kiss a lawyer than be seen with you. You're a putrescent mass, a walking vomit. You are a spineless little worm deserving nothing but the profoundest contempt. You are a jerk, a cad, and a weasel. Your life is a monument to stupidity. You are a stench, a revulsion, and a big suck on a sour lemon. You are a bleating foal, a curdled staggering mutant dwarf smeared richly with the effluvia and offal accompanying your alleged birth into this world. Insensate, blinking calves, meaningful to nobody, abandoned by the puke-drooling, giggling beasts that sired you and then killed themselves in recognition of what they had done.
I will never get over the embarrassment of belonging to the same species as you. You are a monster, an ogre, and a malformity. I barf at the very thought of you. You have all the appeal of a paper cut. Lepers avoid you. You are vile, worthless, less than nothing. You are a weed, a fungus, the dregs of this earth. And did I mention you smell? Try to edit your responses of unnecessary material before attempting to impress us with your insight. The evidence that you are a nincompoop will still be available to readers, but they will be able to access it more rapidly.
You snail-skulled little rabbit. Would that a hawk pick you up, drive its beak into your brain, and upon finding it rancid set you loose to fly briefly before spattering the ocean rocks with the frothy pink shame of your ignoble blood. May you choke on the queasy, convulsing nausea of your own trite, foolish beliefs. You are weary, stale, flat and unprofitable. You are grimy, squalid, nasty and profane. You are foul and disgusting. You're a fool, an ignoramus. Monkeys look down on you. Even sheep won't have sex with you. You are unreservedly pathetic, starved for attention, and lost in a land that reality forgot.
And what meaning do you expect your delusional self-important statements of unknowing, inexperienced opinion to have with us? What fantasy do you hold that you would believe that your tiny-fisted tantrums would have more weight than that of a leprous desert rat, spinning rabidly in a circle, waiting for the bite of the snake?
You are a waste of flesh. You have no rhythm. You are ridiculous and obnoxious. You are the moral equivalent of a leech. You are a living emptiness, a meaningless void. You are sour and senile. You are a disease, you puerile one-handed slack-jawed drooling meatslapper. On a good day you're a half-wit. You remind me of drool. You are deficient in all that lends character. You have the personality of wallpaper. You are dank and filthy. You are asinine and benighted. You are the source of all unpleasantness. You spread misery and sorrow wherever you go.
You smarmy lagerlout git. You bloody woofter sod. Bugger off, pillock. You grotty wanking oik artless base-court apple-john. You clouted boggish foot-licking twit. You dankish clack-dish plonker. You gormless crook-pated tosser. You churlish boil-brained clotpole ponce. You cockered bum-bailey poofter. You craven dewberry pisshead cockup pratting naff. You gob-kissing gleeking flap-mouthed coxcomb. You dread-bolted fobbing beef-witted clapper-clawed flirt-gill. You are a fiend and a coward, and you have bad breath. You are degenerate, noxious and depraved. I feel debased just for knowing you exist. I despise everything about you, and I wish you would go away.
I cannot believe how incredibly stupid you are. I mean rock-hard stupid. Dehydrated-rock-hard stupid. Stupid, so stupid that it goes way beyond the stupid we know into a whole different dimension of stupid. You are Trans-stupid stupid. Meta-stupid. Stupid collapsed on itself so far that even the neutrons have collapsed. Stupid gotten so dense that no intellect can escape. Singularity stupid. Blazing hot mid-day sun on Mercury stupid. You emit more stupid in one second than our entire galaxy emits in a year. Quasar stupid. Your writing has to be a troll. Nothing in our universe can really be this stupid. Perhaps this is some primordial fragment from the original big bang of stupid. Some pure essence of a stupid so uncontaminated by anything else as to be beyond the laws of physics that we know. I'm sorry. I can't go on.
This is an epiphany of stupid for me. After this, you may not hear from me again for a while. I don't have enough strength left to deride your ignorant questions and half-baked comments about unimportant trivia, or any of the rest of this drivel.
The only thing worse than your logic is your manners. I have snipped away all of what you wrote, because, well... it didn't really say anything. Your attempt at constructing a coherent statement was pitiful. I mean, really, stringing together a patch of paranoia among a load of babbling was hardly effective... Maybe later in life, after you have learned to read, write, spell, and count, you will have more success. True, these are rudimentary skills that many of us "normal" people take for granted that everyone has an easy time of mastering. But we sometime forget that there are "challenged" persons in this world who find these things more difficult. If I had known that this was your case then I would have never read your post. It just wouldn't have been "right". Sort of like parking in a handicap space. I wish you the best of luck in the emotional and social struggles that seem to be placing such a demand on you.
Hope this finds you in good health.
That was okay, but I still prefer the "Abuse" guy in the "Argument Clinic" skit:
Q: Don't give me that, you snotty-faced heap of parrot droppings!
M: What?
Q: Shut your festering gob, you tit! Your type really makes me puke, you vacuous, coffee-nosed, maloderous, pervert!!!
M: Look, I CAME HERE FOR AN ARGUMENT, I'm not going to just stand...!!
Q: OH, oh I'm sorry, but this is abuse.
M: Oh, I see, well, that explains it.
Q: Don't give me that, you snotty-faced heap of parrot droppings!
M: What?
Q: Shut your festering gob, you tit! Your type really makes me puke, you vacuous, coffee-nosed, maloderous, pervert!!!
M: Look, I CAME HERE FOR AN ARGUMENT, I'm not going to just stand...!!
Q: OH, oh I'm sorry, but this is abuse.
M: Oh, I see, well, that explains it.
In other words...my dick is bigger than your dick.
From my message board.......
You swine. You filthy little maggot. What is that tripe you call an opinion? What is that scrofulous little tumor you call a brain? Don't you know that you are pathetic? You worthless bag of filth, you wad of pus. You're a canker, a sore that won't go away. I would rather kiss a goat than be seen with you.
You're a putrescent mess, a walking vomit. You are a spineless little worm deserving of nothing but the profoundest contempt. You are a jerk, a cad, a weasel. Your life is a monument to stupidity. You are a stench, a revulsion, a big suck on a sour lemon.
I will NEVER get over the embarrassment of belonging to the same species as you. You are a monster, an ogre. I barf at the very thought of you. You have all the appeal of a paper cut. Lepers avoid you. You are vile, worthless, less than nothing. You are a weed, a fungus, the dregs of this earth; and did I mention that you smell?
You are weary, stale, flat and unprofitable. You're grimy, squalid, nasty and profane. I have excreted better things than you. You are foul and disgusting. You're a fool, an ignoramus. Monkeys look down on you.
You are a waste of flesh. You have no rhythm. You are ridiculous and obnoxious. I would rather bathe with Hitler than speak to you. You are the moral equivalent of a leech. You are a living emptiness, a meaningless void. You are sour and senile. You are a disease.
On a good day you're a half-wit. You remind me of drool. You are deficient in all that lends to character. You have the personality of wallpaper. You are dank and filthy. You are asinine and benighted. You are the source of all unpleasantness. You spread misery and sorrow wherever you go.
You are a fiend and a coward and you have bad breath. You are degenerate, noxious and depraved. I feel debased just because I know you exist. I despise everything about you, and I wish you would go away.
You swine. You filthy little maggot. What is that tripe you call an opinion? What is that scrofulous little tumor you call a brain? Don't you know that you are pathetic? You worthless bag of filth, you wad of pus. You're a canker, a sore that won't go away. I would rather kiss a goat than be seen with you.
You're a putrescent mess, a walking vomit. You are a spineless little worm deserving of nothing but the profoundest contempt. You are a jerk, a cad, a weasel. Your life is a monument to stupidity. You are a stench, a revulsion, a big suck on a sour lemon.
I will NEVER get over the embarrassment of belonging to the same species as you. You are a monster, an ogre. I barf at the very thought of you. You have all the appeal of a paper cut. Lepers avoid you. You are vile, worthless, less than nothing. You are a weed, a fungus, the dregs of this earth; and did I mention that you smell?
You are weary, stale, flat and unprofitable. You're grimy, squalid, nasty and profane. I have excreted better things than you. You are foul and disgusting. You're a fool, an ignoramus. Monkeys look down on you.
You are a waste of flesh. You have no rhythm. You are ridiculous and obnoxious. I would rather bathe with Hitler than speak to you. You are the moral equivalent of a leech. You are a living emptiness, a meaningless void. You are sour and senile. You are a disease.
On a good day you're a half-wit. You remind me of drool. You are deficient in all that lends to character. You have the personality of wallpaper. You are dank and filthy. You are asinine and benighted. You are the source of all unpleasantness. You spread misery and sorrow wherever you go.
You are a fiend and a coward and you have bad breath. You are degenerate, noxious and depraved. I feel debased just because I know you exist. I despise everything about you, and I wish you would go away.
one of these days I'll read the whole thing. Right now I still cant get past this part..ROFL!
oh yeah, and uuhhmm, you all suck, umm and your mother smelt of elderberries.
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Originally posted by Millennium: Courtesy of Everything2.com, but from there it was taken from Usenet somewhere not long after 9/11... . . .I'll bet you couldn't pour piss out of a boot with instructions on the heel. . . |
oh yeah, and uuhhmm, you all suck, umm and your mother smelt of elderberries.
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Originally posted by gadster: You remind me of Zimphire? |
I think we have a winnner.
I bow before the originality and cruelty of others. I have not the gift, apparently. This is some funny stuff and some real keepers.
Here is something not original to me. It was sent to me and as I understand it, was a very real letter written to an ISP in the UK from one of it's customers.
It also demonstrates the blessings of proper education in developing Flame Skillz.
Here is something not original to me. It was sent to me and as I understand it, was a very real letter written to an ISP in the UK from one of it's customers.
It also demonstrates the blessings of proper education in developing Flame Skillz.
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Dear Cretins, I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone. During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either pursue your professional prerogative, and seek to rectify these difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office: My initial installation was cancelled without warning, resulting in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your technician to arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further 57 minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful website.... HOW? I alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles for a few minutes - an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept. The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later, although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools - such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum. Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks my modem arrived... six weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay for it. I estimate your internet servers downtime is roughly 35%... hours between about 6pm -midnight, Mon-Fri, and most of the weekend. I am still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9 calls on my mobile to your no-help line, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly skilled bollock jugglers. I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off); that I will be transferred to someone (and then been redirected to an answer machine informing me that your office is closed); that I will be transferred to someone and then been redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman...and several other variations on this theme. Doubtless you are no-longer reading this letter, as you have at least a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to. Frankly I don't care, it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustrations in print than to shout them at your unending hold music. Forgive me, therefore, if I continue. I thought BT were shyte, that they had attained the holy piss-pot of god-awful customer relations, that no one, anywhere, ever, could be more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't anyone else is there? How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of bastards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum - incompetents of the highest order. British Telecom - wankers though they are - shine like brilliant beacons of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless inadequacy. Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver - any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief - quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps bemused rage. I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cats litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become desiccated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and its worthless employees. Have a nice day - may it be the last in your miserable short life, you irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twats. |
Your next computer will be a Dell
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Originally posted by thunderous_funker: a very real letter written to an ISP in the UK from one of it's customers. |
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Originally posted by thunderous_funker: I bow before the originality and cruelty of others. I have not the gift, apparently. This is some funny stuff and some real keepers. Here is something not original to me. It was sent to me and as I understand it, was a very real letter written to an ISP in the UK from one of it's customers. It also demonstrates the blessings of proper education in developing Flame Skillz. |
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Originally posted by thunderous_funker: I bow before the originality and cruelty of others. I have not the gift, apparently. This is some funny stuff and some real keepers. Here is something not original to me. It was sent to me and as I understand it, was a very real letter written to an ISP in the UK from one of it's customers. It also demonstrates the blessings of proper education in developing Flame Skillz. |
I too am not worthy of this talent. That was a remarkable letter. Thanks for the laugh.
You f*ckwits! Calm the hell down!!! Look - these bastards have a frikkin point. Everybody knows that gays and jews are the root of all evil...
i just want to be a highly skilled bollock juggler.
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Originally posted by shanraghan: Oh, no, I cannot. I am sorry, but I cannot insult you, my dear simple MacNNers! How could I dream of extending such a courtesy to such wonderful, mindful, intelligent and cultured flock as yourselves? Nay, as much as you may crow and honk at me I shall not give in, for I do not know why you wish for me to follow you across this road, and I fear that in transit I shall find upon my honor a blackened, disgusting, tar-ridden set of tire treads. Like the chicken before the egg, and like the egg before the chicken, the likes of which I have seen many laid here, I am trapped in such a vicious cycle of poultry and dairy produce. This is not to say I disrespect your culture in any way. Indeed, I truly adore your cheeses, and how you cut them, and how can I forget the brilliant minds themselves that can produce such things? Your cows and chips make excellent fertilizer, and your tastes are most revolting in a highly revolutionary sense. Your spirit is wonderfully ovine, proud and pompuous, leaping forth to bray at this opressive master of the world, and then as joyfully leaping back to meet the shears and have your masters collect the wool. Or perhaps you are more like the dog: how robustly you bark when news cometh, o what oriental delicacies you make! So, as you see, my dear friends, I cannot possibly bring myself to insult you, my fellow, forum-browsing... wienersnitzchels. |
For Jesus-Christ, shut the @!?#%! up.
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Originally posted by Socially Awkward Solo: Jesus was gay and god is dead. |
Nietzsche is dead. You smell like hog feed. And I TP'd your house.
the best part of you ran down your daddy's leg....
go eat a bag of dicks.....
go eat a bag of dicks.....
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Originally posted by thunderous_funker: I bow before the originality and cruelty of others. I have not the gift, apparently. This is some funny stuff and some real keepers. Here is something not original to me. It was sent to me and as I understand it, was a very real letter written to an ISP in the UK from one of it's customers. It also demonstrates the blessings of proper education in developing Flame Skillz. Quote:
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ROTFLMFAO
